facing your personal clowns

11Apr08

hating clowns and mimes

I hate mimes.
I hate clowns.
I hate them because you have no idea who they are under those chalky, freakish makeups. I hate that I don’t know what else is there. I hate the uncertainty.

***

I was looking at this photo i took with my first roll and questioned myself of the things that scare me… I dislike so many stuff, from small beach crabs, to roaches, crawlies, untrained pushy salesguys with flyers and oily muscle men. But afraid? I can’t say exactly what I’m afraid of- suffice to say, most of my old fears were overcome already. The only general remainder is.. uncertainty.

For the longest time, all I have are plans, plans, plans. Plans to travel, start my own enterprise, author a children’s book, go back to school and live without missing a thing. The hardest part is always implementing. I battle with my personal critiques, debating the pros and cons. I speak in behalf of every middle class twenty-something that we don’t have the same freedom most privileged kids possess. We love so many things, impassioned and even talented at that. But we don’t have the luxury of a back-fall should anything go wrong. Our families depend on our earnings to sustain themselves. We are expected to help out and walk the line for our younger siblings to receive their college diplomas. We save on ourselves but still find our target savings not met by the end of the month because an emergency happened at home.

Sorry for ranting a little, but to give you a view of how mid class yuppies are in Manila: For us, luho = getting a nice haircut once in a while or rest on a weekend for a quarter. Walking along Ortigas, you come across funky haired conyo rich kids who are featured to be “creative” and “brave” because they have the resources to dye their tops to match their jackets anytime. You see obviously lousy businesses sprouting and have your judgment confirmed after half a year when they close shop. Your business meetings in a coffee shop are constantly interrupted by rowdy (not to mention insensitive) college dudes with Macs, ogling over their newest download or complaining about how Daddy grounded him and he cant go to Bora for sembreak. Yes, even the daily grind is harder to chew when you realize that you’re only making the ends meet til your next payday. We weren’t sent by our parents to after-school activities and outside the country to learn about the arts, culture and whatnot. Our childhood memories are set in lolo’s farm, chasing after chickens and playing tumbang preso.

(whew! i got that one out!)

Point is, because of this long straw of contextualized history, we’re made to walk along what’s safe and sufficient. We always dream big but struggle to make that first step… I was thinking, maybe we are trained to BE afraid. to BE cautious. to BE comparing (?) to accept but COMPLAIN deep inside.

But it’s not all the same for our profile. My best guy friend never ceases to inspire me. We shared the same quote of childhood but he’s gone ahead of how we mostly fared. He listens to my ranting for more than his fair share but never complains. šŸ™‚ I don’t think I’ve heard him complain about anything other than his love life. hah! From his Masters before til the meeting with venture capitalists last week, he’s never griped. Coming from a close, Christian family, I feel that he saw the world differently at a young age.. All he asks from me are prayers… And his response to my rants always point to one thing: patience.

Everyone’s got their own time. Not because we earned it directly, but because God grants it when we’re ready.Ā  Wisdom comes with age and some things are best decided on when you’re older. Now, a year after surrendering myself for His works, opportunities are unfolding before me. Things I’ve wanted for so long to the point I have forgotten them, He’s finally letting me have. Wishes tucked in my heart, He knows and are giving me freely. šŸ™‚

What am I afraid of?

I know the concept of uncertainty and shifting gears make me breathe harder… I am not “afraid-less“, I haven’t gone there yet..

But i know, that I am less afraid šŸ™‚

“For God has not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and love and wisdom.”

II Timothy 1:7

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9 Responses to “facing your personal clowns”

  1. 1 tiff

    apssiee same tayo! it frustrates me the some people at our age get to study fashion abroad or at good schools here. samantalang ako i have to earn first then spend all of my savings just to study! it kinda frustrates me šŸ˜¦ sniffs. plus im giving myself 2 years max to be able to try out the fashion industry. after that back to the working world. kasi our families sort of depend on us ..haay life

  2. 2 years dear šŸ™‚
    I’ve finally learned to accept things and challenge myself instead. True, medyo nakakafrustrate nga. but it’s inspiring to realize that they aren’t any better than us, they simply have the resources. hahahah! ungas answer ba? :p

  3. 3 tiff

    hmm feel good answer.. maybe challenge un ni God for us. to make us better and stronger and siguro lesson nadin un for us hehe

  4. 4 neil

    Nice read Apps. I liked the clown parts. I missed the whole point of the article again. haha!


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